Standing up for a Friend - 

What Can a Bystander Do?

April 28, 2013

Bullies can be really hurtful.  Bullies and Targets are not the only people involved when a bullying situation happens.  There are almost always other people around - "Bystanders".  Bystanders have power too.  If Bystanders do nothing, they give a Bully Power, but if a Bystander stands up to a Bully and becomes a Protector, she takes the Bully's power away.  I'ts hard to know what to do at the moment - but if you think about what to do BEFORE it happens, then you can make a plan and it's easier to be a Protector.

Made up Situation #1:

Lucy is 9 years old, she likes to paint.  One day at school in art class, she and her friend Emily went up to the sink to rinse out their paint brushes.  While Lucy was cleaning them and Emily waited for her turn, Andrew - a boy in their class - shoved Lucy out of the way and yelled "Move out of the way Weirdo!" so he could clean his brushes because he didn't want to wait.  Both Lucy and Emily were shocked and didn't know what to do. Lucy stayed out of the way because Andrew had done this before to her, but Emily had never seen her friend get treated like this and didn't like it.  

What should Emily do?

A:  Emily should push Andrew back.

B:  Emily should stand quietly by because if Lucy doesn't want to say anything, Emily should stay out of it and let Andrew clean his brushes.

C:  Emily should say "That's not nice to push her!  She's not a Weirdo, you need to wait your turn!"  

 Let's go through her choices:

A:  When I see a friend being treated unkindly, I feel sad and sometimes angry.  I really just want to protect my friend and push back.  But, if Emily pushed back in this situation, she would have probably gotten in trouble too, because she reacted physically which is wrong ALL  of the time and not allowed in school.  It might get Andrew to leave Lucy alone, but shoving back would make Emily just as unkind as Andrew.

B:  Oftentimes, people stand quietly by while someone is treated unkindly because they think it will stop and it's not their business to get into it.  In this situation, Andrew might not say anything else at the moment, but he will think he can treat Lucy and Emily like this again. Staying quiet doesn't let Andrew know that what he did was wrong and hurt Lucy's feelings.

C.  This is the hardest thing to do, but it's the right thing to do.  Sometimes the person being treated unkindly, is too afraid to stick up for herself and is overwhelmed by what happened.  Emily should confront Andrew as strongly but remain as calm as possible, so she does not start a yelling fight.  She is being a good friend by standing up to Andrew and telling him that his behavior is wrong and hurt Lucy's feelings.  Hopefully, this will show Lucy that she can stand up to Andrew too.

So remember, if you're a Bystander, you can become a Protector by standing up for anyone being treated unkindly.